Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
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If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.