@VinnyPisciotta1: Singin' in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin' on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
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@JohnLyonTweets: I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: What are you doing? ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs? ME: WIFE: You fell down the stairs ME: Yes
@realHamOnWry: My nephew asked, "What's the secret to a long life?" I said, "Never order vegetarian in Texas"
@yaboybillnye: WTF VAMPIRE BATS WILL VOMIT BLOOD INTO MOUTHS OF SICK BATS 2 KEEP THEM ALIVE THATS DOPE AF & STILL A BETTER LOVESTORY THAN TWILIGHT