Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
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I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”