Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
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when you don’t want to be too vague
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it