single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
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I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Natty or not?
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.