[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
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When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Check out the legs on this baby
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.