Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
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Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.