Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
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A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
*puts my mental health in rice
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.