@deenasjoint: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
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@causticbob: At a job interview "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker" "Can you give me an example?" "Yes, when do I start?"
@Brampersandon_: [soup kitchen] *homeless man is handed a plate* What the hell is this? -Turkey bacon. *throws tray against wall* I'm hungry! Not desperate!
@imchriskelly: Glad they redesigned Gmail---I've been dying to compose an email farther to the right.