@deenasjoint: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
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@Mindless4Miles: I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn't notice the stranger in their midst and I'm feeling so loved rn.
@CourtneyBale: Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I'm gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
@pharmasean: “Say ur a bad girl” I’m a bad girl “oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…” ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice