Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
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The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on