The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
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You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
emergency phone
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
best review i’ve ever seen
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!