Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
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Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
accurate
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.