[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
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*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
What the hell is going on?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
She: I like Cats
He:
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button