[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
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Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Love this one 😂🧟
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
“A little help here, Danny?”
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.