[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
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*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?