*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
You Might Also Like
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.