Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
You Might Also Like
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
i really liked this one
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?