Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
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[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
i’m still crying at this
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think