[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
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Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her: