[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
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Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here