[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
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History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
where the womens at?
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
My patience has stretch marks.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is