“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
You Might Also Like
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels