“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
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Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?