“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
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I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.