“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
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If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.