“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
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Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
R.I.P.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”