They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
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Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
just left a huge legacy in there
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*