“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
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Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve