“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?