Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
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I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?