Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
This kid is a star!
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box