Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
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aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
put ‘er there pardner!
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Tell me you get it…🤣
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie