@YesThatAmy: Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You're wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
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@JohnLyonTweets: Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning. Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
@juliussharpe: At the coffee shop, I saw a German guy reading the first few pages of a book about WWII and smiling. Keep reading, buddy. Keep reading.
@Momtoteens: Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.
@RobDenBleyker: I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she's a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.