Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
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None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Monday?
No. Next question.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.