@Kalarlis: sir i need to confiscate all the ice cream in your store yes this is just a costume & i'm not a real cop but no one told me i'm pretty today
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@itsdivbaby: when i hear fat people say that they've made mistakes, i always think to myself, "yeaa...at the grocery store."
@ArfMeasures: BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs. Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
@UncleDuke1969: Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team? Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute. Jim: No, I- Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
@SadPeruna: Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways: 1. WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK? 2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?