(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
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Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?