@itsdivbaby: when i hear fat people say that they've made mistakes, i always think to myself, "yeaa...at the grocery store."
@ArfMeasures: BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
@UncleDuke1969: Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
@SadPeruna: Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
@SteveKoehler22: Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.
Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
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