Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
You Might Also Like
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
How it started: How it’s going:
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.