Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
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I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story