@kyry5: Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you're handling this really insensitively
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@TheCatWhisprer: [1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving] PEOPLE: won't be me [1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball] PEOPLE: you never know
@Thedudish: My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I'm clearing out my desk
@NervousJr: When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams.
@SirEviscerate: You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!