@kyry5: Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you're handling this really insensitively
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@causticbob: I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures. But unfortunately I'm now banned until I bring them back.
@shutupmikeginn: An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here's everything she knows about me: 1) I don't have a car
@david8hughes: [family game night] Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now? Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
@iwearaonesie: me *watches toddler push wife's work papers off the coffee table* wife *walks in* Who did this? me: Your stupid cat