Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
figuring out my emotional availability:
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*