“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
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Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Do not levitate over flowers
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”