“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
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Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”