I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
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I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
💻🤡
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
what’s the point then??