Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
WHO DID THIS?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly