If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
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Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
それは草
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
True statement👍😏😁
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up