Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
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Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?