Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
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My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!