my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
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Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby