[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
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Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
can’t wait til they legalize outside
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail