“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
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acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Phones down.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.