“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
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I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Note to self: always read the final line
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.