“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
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What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?