Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
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My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.