Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
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Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I’m crying im so happy for them
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.